Jumpkick to Freedom

By now you may have heard that Bob McDonnell, the Republican candidate for governor of Virginia, was recently revealed to have written a graduate thesis  entitled “The Republican Party’s Vision for the Family: The Compelling Issue of The Decade.”

Among other gems, McDonnell argued that:

• Working women and feminists are detrimental to the family
• Government policy should favor married couples over “cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators.”
• The supreme court decision allowing unmarried couples to use birth control was “illogical”
• Abortion should be outlawed, even in cases of rape and incest
• A little bit of religion in public schooling is just fine, and misconceptions about the separation of Church and State need to be corrected
• Hitting children is ok, most of the time

The thesis concluded with a 15-point strategy for how Republicans could turn the clock back to the 19th century, and protect the American Family by passing legislation aimed at curbing rabid feminists, out of control gays, amoral atheists, depraved cohabitators, self-centered rape victims, and children who haven’t been beaten recently.

Some people would argue that the points made by McDonnell in the thesis are no longer relevant.  First, because McDonnell has since rejected many of these positions.  And second, because the thesis was written while attending Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network University, which I’m almost positive doesn’t count as a a real university.

This got me thinking.  What kind of liberal diatribe would I need to go on to make myself totally unelectable for any future office?   I thus give you my 15-point action thesis, which I call:

“The Liberal Faction’s Vision for Society: The Most Important Numbered List Ever Devised”

1.  Income taxes should be raised slightly to finance artistic projects.  Chief among them: bringing back Will and Grace.

2.  Roe v. Wade should be expanded so that women no longer have access to safe, legal abortions, but rather are obligated to have an abortion unless they can answer a series of three riddles.  The riddles will be very difficult.

3.  Affirmative action will apply not only to college admissions and job promotions, but will be strictly enforced while waiting in line for the ATM, buying tickets to sporting events, and figuring out who goes first when you pull up at a 4-way stop sign.

4.  To address the plight of the working mother, maternity leave should be extended from 6 weeks to 18 years.

5.  Jesus will be “phased out.”

6.  Monday Night Football will be replaced with a loop of those PETA videos of animals getting slaughtered and abused and whatnot.

7.  Condoms should be distributed daily to each child over the age of 6, along with a copy of the Kama Sutra and a membership at Match.com.

8.  The federal work week should be shortened to three days, and it will be permissible to call in sick because you are “having a bad trip.”

9.  Marriage will be slippery-sloped all the way to recognizing unions between a homosexual illegal alien and a pack of feral cats.

10.  Children are priceless jewels.  To ensure youths’ development and growth, we must end the senseless beating and yelling and disciplining of children.  Children will only be addressed as equals, and referred to as “Bro” or “Broheim” or “Priceless Jewel.”

11.  Terrorists will not only be negotiated with, they will be offered speaking engagements, invited to dinner parties, and will occasionally substitute teach in your child’s classroom.

12.  To address the societal ills wreaked by alcoholism, the alcohol content in all brands of beer should be lowered to 2.3%.  It should also be made out of grapes, mix nicely with San Pelligrino, and come in 4 ounce bottles.

13.  Building on the success of Cash for Clunkers, all Americans should be forced to trade in their automobile.  Citizens with low MPG sedans will receive electric cars.  Drivers of pickup trucks will receive hybrids.  Those with SUVs will receive Segways, and will be required to wear a helmet.

14.  Actually, everyone has to wear a helmet at all times.  Even in your own home.  Even while you sleep.  Safety first.

15.  The new carbon Cap-and-Trade system will be broadened into a Carbon Tax, which will then morph into a Carbon Ban, and will finally settle into a schema in which the power grid is fed by capturing humans’ body heat and bio-rhythms.  Similar to The Matrix, but less gooey and no one knows Kung Fu.

So to summarize, the liberal action plan is to legislate the best parts of Brave New World and 1984.  I may renounce some of these views at a later (or politically expedient) date, but don’t count on it.