“The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.”

Now, let’s forget for a moment that the Gulf of Mexico is not, in fact, an ocean.  (It is a gulf.)  He’s basically saying that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively “tiny” compared to a “very big ocean.”   True, turning the Gulf of Mexico into, say, 50% oil would probably be worse, but that sort of misses the point.  The current spill doesn’t really qualify as a minor nuisance.

If we placed his statement amongst the Most Misguided Comparisons in History, I think the list would look like this:

5)   “That volcanic ash cloud is relatively tiny compared to all of Europe’s air space”

4)   “The Herpes virus is relatively tiny compared to a very big crotch”

3)   “The Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to a very big ocean”

2)   “That iceberg seems relatively tiny compared to the largest ocean liner ever built”

1)   “The wall of liquid hot magma pouring down the hillside is relatively tiny compared to the very big city of Pompeii”

Architecture

Burj Khalifa: You can't say this correctly

1.   Not all buildings are made of stone.  While this was true in the middle ages, mankind has since developed buildings made out of metal, glass, ice, plastic, cards, and metaphors.

2.   The tallest building in the world is now the Burj Khalifa.  Until a couple weeks ago, it was known as the Burj Dubai.  The name was changed to spite non-Arabic speakers.  Here is a picture:

3.   Contrary to common belief, the strongest shape in architecture is not the arch, but rather the double arch.  The shape can be seen in every country and every culture in the world, minus North Korea.  They still have stone buildings (see point 1).

4.   The city with the best architecture in the world is Chicago.  Some people would suggest Prague.  Others would say Paris.  These people are victims of communists, or worse.

5.   Architects are skittish and reclusive by nature.  They prefer complex drawings to conversation; mathematics to the written word.  However, not all architects are autistic.  Some merely have Asperger’s.

There you have it, everything you need to know about architecture.  If there are any topics you’d like to know more about, and you don’t trust those shady hooligans at wikipedia, then leave a comment and let me know.

This might be the greatest thing to come out of Japan since Ninja Warrior.  Those of you with quick eyes and dark hearts might even notice the brief appearance of a Magic: The Gathering card.

“With a little creativity, we can disguise your girly son as a normal kid.”

Senate Republicans plead to stop funding Acorn, which gave tax advice to fake prostitiutes, but cannot fathom ending funding for defense contractors who gang-rape employees and deny them access to courts.

Is it possible they can reconcile these two positions in their own minds?  What hypocrisy is too great for them?   Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to bill themselves as the Protectors of Medicare and Medicaid, which they’ve spent the last 40 years trying to  eliminate.

Have you ever seen or heard of this allegedly iconic Minnesota landmark:

Please leave your answer in the comments below.

Kanye West is not a huge fan of Jumpkick to Freedom

Seriously Kanye, give me a shot here.  I’ll post more, I’ll make better jokes.  It might never be what Beyonce’s site is, but it’s all I got now.

Lance Briggs, Voice of Reason

Sideline reporter: First thing that comes to mind when I say “Packers” ?

Lance Briggs: Suck.

Full video here.  Great to see someone giving an interview and not sounding like a total pantywaist.

Among other gems, McDonnell argued that:

• Working women and feminists are detrimental to the family
• Government policy should favor married couples over “cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators.”
• The supreme court decision allowing unmarried couples to use birth control was “illogical”
• Abortion should be outlawed, even in cases of rape and incest
• A little bit of religion in public schooling is just fine, and misconceptions about the separation of Church and State need to be corrected
• Hitting children is ok, most of the time

The thesis concluded with a 15-point strategy for how Republicans could turn the clock back to the 19th century, and protect the American Family by passing legislation aimed at curbing rabid feminists, out of control gays, amoral atheists, depraved cohabitators, self-centered rape victims, and children who haven’t been beaten recently.

Some people would argue that the points made by McDonnell in the thesis are no longer relevant.  First, because McDonnell has since rejected many of these positions.  And second, because the thesis was written while attending Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network University, which I’m almost positive doesn’t count as a a real university.

This got me thinking.  What kind of liberal diatribe would I need to go on to make myself totally unelectable for any future office?   I thus give you my 15-point action thesis, which I call:

“The Liberal Faction’s Vision for Society: The Most Important Numbered List Ever Devised”

1.  Income taxes should be raised slightly to finance artistic projects.  Chief among them: bringing back Will and Grace.

2.  Roe v. Wade should be expanded so that women no longer have access to safe, legal abortions, but rather are obligated to have an abortion unless they can answer a series of three riddles.  The riddles will be very difficult.

3.  Affirmative action will apply not only to college admissions and job promotions, but will be strictly enforced while waiting in line for the ATM, buying tickets to sporting events, and figuring out who goes first when you pull up at a 4-way stop sign.

4.  To address the plight of the working mother, maternity leave should be extended from 6 weeks to 18 years.

5.  Jesus will be “phased out.”

6.  Monday Night Football will be replaced with a loop of those PETA videos of animals getting slaughtered and abused and whatnot.

7.  Condoms should be distributed daily to each child over the age of 6, along with a copy of the Kama Sutra and a membership at Match.com.

8.  The federal work week should be shortened to three days, and it will be permissible to call in sick because you are “having a bad trip.”

9.  Marriage will be slippery-sloped all the way to recognizing unions between a homosexual illegal alien and a pack of feral cats.

10.  Children are priceless jewels.  To ensure youths’ development and growth, we must end the senseless beating and yelling and disciplining of children.  Children will only be addressed as equals, and referred to as “Bro” or “Broheim” or “Priceless Jewel.”

11.  Terrorists will not only be negotiated with, they will be offered speaking engagements, invited to dinner parties, and will occasionally substitute teach in your child’s classroom.

12.  To address the societal ills wreaked by alcoholism, the alcohol content in all brands of beer should be lowered to 2.3%.  It should also be made out of grapes, mix nicely with San Pelligrino, and come in 4 ounce bottles.

13.  Building on the success of Cash for Clunkers, all Americans should be forced to trade in their automobile.  Citizens with low MPG sedans will receive electric cars.  Drivers of pickup trucks will receive hybrids.  Those with SUVs will receive Segways, and will be required to wear a helmet.

14.  Actually, everyone has to wear a helmet at all times.  Even in your own home.  Even while you sleep.  Safety first.

15.  The new carbon Cap-and-Trade system will be broadened into a Carbon Tax, which will then morph into a Carbon Ban, and will finally settle into a schema in which the power grid is fed by capturing humans’ body heat and bio-rhythms.  Similar to The Matrix, but less gooey and no one knows Kung Fu.

So to summarize, the liberal action plan is to legislate the best parts of Brave New World and 1984.  I may renounce some of these views at a later (or politically expedient) date, but don’t count on it.