Cankles: An epidemic so serious, it's on CNN
“Far from being a medical term, “cankles” is slang for the part of the leg where the ankle meets the calf when there is no definition or indentation. In most cases, cankles are just large ankles — what used to be called ‘big bones.’”
CNN comes through for us again. Why talk about reforming health care when you can explore how people are reforming their ugly, bulky cankles into sexy, skinny ankles?
If a robot were invented in 1955 that learned break-dancing from a texbook, and then that robot had sex Gene Simmons, this would be their high, autistic love child.
And if that high, autistic robot/Kiss love child had a side kick, it would be the guy right behind him in the video.
And if there were a heaven, it would look like this damp, grassy field in Chicago, where techno filler music is played between band sets and we frolic with these two characters. For eternity.
Old Chester?
Sources close to the horse say that he was a “good boy” and enjoyed “carrots and sugar cubes.” There is no word yet from authorities regarding whether the horse killings may be related to a spate goat-bludgeonings that paralyzed the greater Pensacola area last week.
MSNBC: THE place for politics
I can’t decide which is more horrifying: MSNBC’s conception of what constitutes news, or that there are people out there who buy commemorative party hats for their pug’s first birthday.
The liberal mainstream media and government-run schools had given me the impression that Iraq was actually located between Iran and Syria, and that Egypt was in Africa. Thanks for setting me straight, Fox News.
Dear Pre-Cog from Minority Report:
Please stop trying to sell me a Palm Pre. You frighten me with your translucent skin and your acid flashback stories and your piercing demon eyes.
“The other day… I was walking in the park… after lunch. When I saw this a juggler. She was very good. And the weird thing was, the more balls she had up in the error, the easier she made it look. It was a feeling I knew, like Deja Vu.”
You are not only creepy, you are a liar. I know this is for several reasons. First, you were not walking in the park. Your skin tone suggests that you haven’t been outdoors in nearly a decade. Nor did this take place after lunch. Unless by ‘lunch’ you meant when you’re intravenously fed a solution of nutrients and sedatives.
Please do not come back on my television screen. I only purchase phones from flesh-and-blood people who can prove their humanity by stealing other people’s livers.
Sincerely,
Dan
Apparently North Korea is suspected of launching the attacks on U.S. government Web sites and the Washington Post the past few days.
I don’t think it’s pre-emptive though; likely, Kim Jong Il is just retaliating for the denial of service attacks that have been launched against his motor skills and normally rosy cheeks.
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Citing a need to spend more time creating nonsensical analogies and meandering speeches, Governor Palin stepped down from her post over the holiday weekend. I read the write-ups in the Post and Times, but I feel it’s impossible to truly get a sense of her wild incoherence without witnessing it directly.
Interestingly, Palin has become outraged at the “main stream media” who have defamed her following her seven-minute descent into madness. In the absence of a definite reason for Palin’s stepping down, some have speculated that it was in connection with a federal investigation. In response, Palin’s attorney twittered an update to her friendster page warning that “those who re-publish the defamation, such as Huffington Post, MSNBC, the New York Times and The Washington Post, that the Palins will not allow them to propagate defamatory material without answering to this in a court of law.”
So let’s cease the speculation, and concentrate on those few facts that Palin is on record as saying.
Things Palin can offer Alaskans by quitting as governor:
After stating her compelling case for why Alaska will be run much more smoothly and efficiently if she is not governor, Palin turned her sights to outlining a broader agenda. No longer will she participate in the bloodsporting and full court pressing that characterizes the arena of Alaskan politics (an arena rivaling the power and influence of , say, the Columbus Ohio city council).
Instead, she will dedicate herself to promoting those things we desperately need more of in America. Among them:
So really, let’s leave her alone. She clearly stated her reasons for stepping down, and outlined in great detail what she’ll be doing in the future. She just wants to lead the quiet life of a civilian, far from the media’s spotlight. And if she changes her mind, her attorney will let us know promptly via facebook message.
For the uninitiated, the upcoming season of the Real World will be filmed in DC. There have been a number of discussions about:
1) Where they’ll be living
2) When they’re arriving
3) Exactly how slutty the cast will be
The general consensus answers are:
1) 20th and S, in the heart of Dupont
2) Sometime the July 4th weekend
3) Super, super slutty.
Today there have been a number of reports of Real Worlders walking around in a confused manner, which is to be expected if you’re in a city where all intersections are 6-way, and you have trouble forming a sentence that doesn’t end in WooOOOoooo!
Let’s get to know our first cast member. Here is what I believe may be a rough bio, based on this picture taken from behind:
Name: Lainyea (pronounced: Lihn-aee-uaha)
Occupation: Future Real World / Road Rules Challenge competitor
Political Leanings:Â “I don’t care what none a y’all say; George Bush was an honest man”
General attitude toward life: Lainyea is a party girl who likes to go out and get a little crazy, but ultimately she has a good heart and knows she can count on her friends and family back home (when they are not abusing her). She has a long-term boyfriend named Tad who is sweet, and they are meant to be together. She thinks the Real World experience may test their love, but it will ultimately only strengthen their relationship.
Fun Fact: She thinks she can burp the alphabet, but she can’t. (Not so much due to esophageal problems as a poor knowledge of the alphabet)
If you’re looking to spot / accidentally run into / peeping tom the shit out of them, make your way to this intersection. Listen for the banshee calls and faint odor of sexual promiscuity.
Sometimes advertisers shoot high. They make incredible, wildly unrealistic claims about what their products can do for you. They will make you have friends, allow you to engage in greater amounts of sex, and experience a sense of comfort and well-being that you could never have imagined.
Other times, advertisers shoot low. Really, really low.
My favorite ongoing campaign is from Pizza Hut. We could argue for days about their deceptive and off-putting commercials that feature Pizza Hut fare masquerading as legitimate Italian food, and the gullible people who are astonished by it.
But what gets lost here is their phenomenal slogan–”Pizza Hut: Now You’re Eating.”
What were you under the impression that you were doing, if not eating? In that vein, here are a few options that Pizza Hut advertiser execs left on the cutting room floor.
I just kid, Pizza Hut. One day I will find that holy grail – the combination Pizza Hut / Long John Silver’s / Taco Bell / KFC. On that day, as I sit down to my personal pan pizza, chicken plank, crunchwrap supreme and famous bowl, I will truly know what it is to be American.
