Please stop trying to sell me a Palm Pre.  You frighten me with your translucent skin and your acid flashback stories and your piercing demon eyes.

“The other day… I was walking in the park… after lunch.  When I saw this a juggler.  She was very good.  And the weird thing was, the more balls she had up in the error, the easier she made it look.  It was a feeling I knew, like Deja Vu.”

You are not only creepy, you are a liar.  I know this is  for several reasons.  First, you were not walking in the park.  Your skin tone suggests that you haven’t been outdoors in nearly a decade.  Nor did this take place after lunch.  Unless by ‘lunch’ you meant when you’re intravenously fed a solution of nutrients and sedatives.

Please do not come back on my television screen.  I only purchase phones from flesh-and-blood people who can prove their humanity by stealing other people’s livers.

Sincerely,

Dan

Other times, advertisers shoot low.  Really, really low.

My favorite ongoing campaign is from Pizza Hut. We could argue for days about their deceptive and off-putting commercials that feature Pizza Hut fare masquerading as legitimate Italian food, and the gullible people who are astonished by it.

But what gets lost here is their phenomenal slogan–”Pizza Hut: Now You’re Eating.”

What were you under the impression that you were doing, if not eating?  In that vein, here are a few options that Pizza Hut advertiser execs left on the cutting room floor.

I just kid, Pizza Hut.  One day I will find that holy grail – the combination Pizza Hut / Long John Silver’s / Taco Bell / KFC.  On that day, as I sit down to my personal pan pizza, chicken plank, crunchwrap supreme and famous bowl, I will truly know what it is to be American.